The Twilight Saga: Eclipse

Released June 30, 2010

Directed by David Slade

Starring: Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, Taylor Lautner, wannabe vampires, and some implausibly sized werewolves

First Viewing: July 3, 2010

Roger – 1.5/5 stars

Let me start by admitting that Eclipse is a marked improvement over the first two movies in the series. However, improvement does not a good movie make. Sure, Eclipse is better, but it’s still not a good movie.

The entire book is just a bunch of pointless, desperate, mini-stories surrounding a single decision made by Bella: Edward or Jacob? Of course, she’s already spent a good deal of New Moon comparing the two guys, so Eclipse is pointless, pointless, pointless. And so is the movie.

Bringing in edgy director David Slade is a clear attempt to liven up the Twilight franchise, draw in some hard-done-by boyfriends, and convert skeptics. It’s true – he’s done whatever he can to make Eclipse interesting. But the fact remains, there was no story in the writing to begin with, and there’s still no story in the movie. In fact, the action scenes are so different from the rest of the movie that instead of pushing the movie into a seamless pacing, it feels choppy and unrelated.

There’s a bit of action, and then we get to Bella and Edward, and the movie grinds to a halt. The few action sequences (I wouldn’t go so far as to call them scenes) make up maybe 10 minutes of a very long movie.

Bella and Edward are just as painfully awkward as ever. I’ve never seen a couple so in love be so incredibly awkward. Seriously. They both look as if they would rather shoot themselves then kiss.

I absolutely cannot fathom how two men are head-over-heels in love with a girl who doesn’t have anything to contribute. Bella is so boring. There’s nothing to her. She has no opinions, no tastes, no values, and no interests. She doesn’t care to have friends, and views her worried father as sort of a necessary prop in her life. Edward is the sole reason for her existence. (What the hell did this girl do as a ten year old? Didn’t she play? Or did she just sit in her room on the floor, staring at the wall?) Oh, I’m sorry, she’s a friend of Jacob's, but that’s due to effort from him.

At one point, Jacob gives Bella a tiny carved wolf charm on a bracelet, clearly a gift that took a great deal of time to make, and something he put thought into. Bella’s reaction? “Oh, it’s really pretty.” Sometime later, Edward gives Bella a diamond heart charm. Guess what she says? “Oh, it’s really pretty.”  

Jacob tries to kiss her at one point, because he loves her. After all, in New Moon, she spent all her time hanging off him and depending on him desperately, so of course, the guy thinks he might have a chance. Nope. He’s pretty nice about it, he cares about her, and brings up some good points, but she punches him. So that’s all pointless.

Near the sort of climax, Bella and Edward move to a pre-determined camping spot to wait out an upcoming battle. Jacob ends up joining them. Bella is dressed in jeans and a thin sweater. Oh, and a toque. No jacket, or anything, even though she knew they would be camping in the damn mountain range. So of course, night approaches, and shockingly, becomes cold. She shivers pitifully in her sleeping bag. (So they thought of sleeping bags, but no bloody jackets or blankets?) Even though Edward can run and move at the speed of light, neither of them thinks of him going back and getting some blankets. I guess they’re so in love they can’t be separated, even if it means her shivering to death. Or something. Jacob comes in and uses his werewolf body heat to warm her. She doesn’t thank him, but she’s okay anyways, and come morning, she’s tramping about in the snow in her bare sleeves, not a shiver in sight. So that was pointless.

I realize I haven’t really mentioned the plot. Okay, here it is. Bella is in love with Edward. She is being hunted by evil vampire Victoria, and is in danger. She loves Edward, so he must protect her, even if it means sacrificing himself and his family members’ lives. Jacob loves Bella. He must protect her, even if it means sacrificing himself and his entire clan. There is an elaborate setup with a fight, in which there is much made of Bella’s scent, and protecting her by hiding her. Which is (everybody say it with me now,) pointless because Victoria finds her anyways. Turns out she’s not that dangerous because Edward kills her fairly easily. Bella is still in love with Edward.

Apparently vampires are made of some sort of icy material (?) and they must be burned to death. Huh. You know, why not just lead them into the same trap, but instead of a field, make it a house with strong enough locks? Then lock the door and f***ing burn them. I mean, why make it so dangerous for everybody? Why all this battling and hassling the werewolves? Oh, because the movie needs to be more than 10 minutes long? Oh, right. Okay. Bring back the pointless-ness.

 

Note: I know what you’re saying. “Don’t take it so seriously.” I totally agree that some movies are just confection. I’ve seen enough silliness in movies to learn when I’m just there for pure entertainment. The problem is, I don’t think the fans of Twilight share this opinion. The hundreds of girls in the theatre are fully in love with these fictional men, and Bella Swan is who they want to be. I walked out of Twilight grimly amused at how such pointlessness makes money, but in all honesty, I don’t really care. Maybe it’s the girls in the theatre that should stop taking it seriously. Or else we’re going to have an entire generation of girls growing up, expecting “Edward” to come along. At least when I was young, I knew Cinderella was a fairy tale.