Nine

Released December 2009

Directed by Rob Marshall

Starring: Daniel Day-Lewis, Marion Cotillard, Penelope Cruz, Judi Dench, Nicole Kidman, Kate Hudson, Stacy Ferguson

First Viewing: December 2009

Roger – 2/5 stars

Ah. Nine. Nine is a classic example of a movie that everyone expects will sweep the awards, and then falls disappointingly flat instead. It happens, every now and then. Great director, familiar, award-winning material, star-studded cast…and then…nothing…hear those crickets?

Rob Marshall, who was at the helm of the fantastic Best Picture winner Chicago, takes on Nine. Taking a Broadway play and turning it into a movie has worked for him before. Not this time, Mr. Marshall.

Nine is a strange movie. The sets and costumes are wonderful, the production value is high; and yet it’s a pretty bad movie.

First things first. For a Broadway musical, there are no real show-stopping, toe-tapping numbers. Nothing memorable. Sure, there are some pretty good tunes, but nothing Broadway. Then there’s Daniel Day-Lewis’ Italian accent, which is so bad it’s funny. He owes Italians everywhere an apology. Then there’s his character!

Supposedly, Guido (Day-Lewis) is a legendary Italian film maker (and legendary womanizer), who has reached the inevitable brick wall of writer’s block. This is his biggest problem. He whines and complains about the business, then tries to escape everybody by checking into a fancy hotel. His mistress, (Penelope Cruz, who is never seen without miles of mascara and eyeliner) finds him at the hotel. He sleeps with her, and then feels sorry for himself. When his long-suffering beautiful wife (Marion Cotillard, with a powerful performance that elevates the whole movie) finds him and discovers the mistress, he feels sorry for himself. Never mind his wife!

His muse disappoints him, he can’t think of anybody or anything except how sorry for himself he is. What a selfish jerk. Who cares what happens to a guy like that in a movie like this? Not me, that’s for damn sure.

Kate Hudson, Nicole Kidman, Sophia Loren and Judi Dench (in a strange role – are you French or English in this movie, Judi?) round out the rest of the women in Guido’s self-obsessive universe. None of them packed the punch they should have. Kate Hudson’s number was probably the best overall – the most fun, and the catchiest. Too bad that’s all I can remember. I kept waiting for momentum to build, kept waiting for those big, show-stopping numbers…there are those crickets again.

Maybe Nine is supposed to be some kind of tongue-in-cheek nod to the craziness of moviemakers. I don’t know. Here’s what I do know: nobody would ever volunteer to see a movie with mediocre music, cheesy accents and a main character who’s a self-obsessed jerk, right? Right. Unless it’s a comedy. Funnily enough, watching Nine, I felt like I was watching a tragedy. Oh well. Bring on the better movies! Next!